Former NHL superstar Theoren Fleury brought his message of pain and redemption to youth at Alberni Athletic Hall on May 8.
Fleury was accompanied by Kim Barthel, whom he describes as the “Wayne Gretzky of therapists,” and who is co-author of “Conversations With A Rattlesnake,” the second book in his journey of recovery from a life fraught with trauma and addiction.
The speakers were introduced by Barthel’s husband Bob Spensely, who let the audience know it was going to get gritty. On Fleury’s accomplishments:
“Yeah, he won a Gold Medal at the Olympics. He won the World Juniors and a Stanley Cup. He also went through so much… and got through it that I am proud to introduce Theo Fleury.”
Saying he and Barthel had so far spoken in 106 First Nations communities across Canada, Fleury began his presentation with a nod to his Metis heritage and a call for a moment of silence.
“Because I am an aboriginal guy myself, before we do what we do, I always like to call upon the grandfathers and the grandmothers and the Creator into the room, so that they speak through Kim and I so that we get the proper message to you.”
The event was organized by Circles of Cedar. Support workers and volunteers were posted throughout the hall, wearing CWAR (Conversations With a Rattlesnake) T-shirts.
The partners addressed a wide range of challenges facing today’s youth, from substance abuse, childhood trauma, sex and relationships, unplanned pregnancy, and even those handheld devices audience members were using to take pictures during the talk. But it was also about following your dreams, finding spirituality and succeeding in life.
“It wasn’t that long ago that I was sitting in that same chair you are. I was also a kid with dreams,” Fleury began.
In his first book, “Playing With Fire,” Fleury went public with how he had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of junior hockey coach Graham James, along with then-teammate Sheldon Kennedy. That trauma was a source of pain and rage throughout his hockey career. But it wasn’t the whole story.
“I started out being this Poster Boy for sexual abuse, but it has expanded so much now to just plain old trauma,” he said. “Yes, I was extremely traumatized, but I was already traumatized before I got into this relationship.”
As the oldest child, Fleury said he took on the role of referee between his alcoholic father and his prescription drug-addicted mother. But at the age of five, he was introduced to hockey, and he immediately fell in love with the sport.
Fleury said his anxiety-ridden mother was never able to come to the rink to see him play. If his father showed up, he was drunk and an embarrassment. But the budding star found a focus for his intense energy in sports, and even a form of parenting when the family moved to Russell, Manitoba the next year.
“The most incredible thing was that the 13 best athletes in Russell, Manitoba were all six years old. Not only that, we had three amazing, incredible fathers who became our coaches and became our mentors. They taught us some incredible core values that I hold near to my heart today. The first one they taught us was respect: respect, respect, respect.”
That core of athletes subsequently won three provincial championships in both hockey and baseball and Fleury was identified as a top prospect. When highly regarded coach Graham James recruited him at 13 to play for the Western Hockey League Winnipeg Warriors, it seemed like his hockey future was set.
“I wanted to go to the NHL because I didn’t want to live the rest if my life in Russell, Manitoba and get up a six o’clock every morning like my dad and go to a job I hated.”
But when the abuse began, Fleury said there was nobody he could tell. He knew the revelation would taint him as an athlete and as a person and would ruin his dreams of playing hockey at the highest levels. To stifle his inner rage, he sought out mood-altering substances and situations. One of them was already familiar.
“At 16 years of age, I was an alcoholic, because of how alcohol could make me feel. I did not want to feel,” he told his young audience.
After 10 years in recovery, Fleury said he has learned some hard truths about alcoholism, and they are universal.
“It never gets better. It only gets worse. So if you are experimenting with alcohol, once you cross that line, I can write your story.”
Recovering alcoholics are warned that there are only three places where they can end up if they go back to drinking: “Jail. Institutionalization. Death. If you cross over that line, you will experience one, two, or all of them.”
Having learned that lesson the hard way, Fleury said his hope is to prevent young people from following that hard path.
“I don’t want you to die. That’s why I’m here.”
Fleury emphasized that his amazing success on the ice was in large part the result of those early mentors and the life lessons they had managed to instill in him, despite the dark messages he received at home and later, at the hands of his junior coach. Along the way, he played for and played with other positive role models who inspired his play even as he continued down the road of rage and addiction.
That need for positive role models and close, trusting personal relationships was something Fleury emphasized. And for him, Barthel has been that most trusted friend.
“This beautiful, clever person beside me was really the first person in my life that I was able to have that conversation with; that actually made sense to me. I’ve got over 2,000 hours of therapy, but she was really the one who tapped into my brain and could understand what was going on in there.”
Fleury said he learned that, here in the 21st century, we have discovered more and more of the inner mechanisms of the human mind, how it works and how it can be injured. And there lies the message.
“It can be fixed. You don’t have to go through it yourself. You weren’t meant to suffer in silence. It is perfectly okay to ask for help. It does not mean you are weak.”
Barthel illustrated that point with the story of her early work with someone called “the most dangerous kid in Baffin Inlet.”
“For some reason, he liked to hang out in my office,” Barthel said.
He didn’t really communicate much, but something convinced the young therapist that he was trying to form a relationship. The Inuit village of Rankin Inlet has the highest suicide rate in Canada, and she worried that he may be the next casualty.
“I was worried that he was going to kill himself, or that somebody else would kill him, because of the nature of his pain.”
The young man left the North, and she subsequently ran into him a few years later.
“He said, ‘I want you to know something. You stopped me from killing myself for two years, and I thank you every day.’
“I’m telling you this because I know the importance that having a relationship – having someone who cares about you, can do for you,” she explained. “Often, it’s not what they do for you, it’s about the fact that they care.”
Barthel explained that every individual has pain and every person has “self-soothing” behaviours, even if they are almost imperceptible. But the greater the pain, the greater the self-soothing mechanism.
“We look for ways to cope: sex, drugs, alcohol… watching TV constantly. Why do we do that? Because nobody teaches us how to deal with our feelings,” Barthel said, pointing to herself and Fleury. “It took us into our forties to get into these conversations.”
For their teenage audience, both Barthel and Fleury urged caution in seeking out relationships, and to learn to distinguish between love and the need for attention, and the use of sex as a coping mechanism for pain. Fleury revealed that he fathered a child in his teenage years and was completely unable to cope with the responsibility.
But most importantly, both emphasized the need to be honest and open with one’s self. And the need for forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is the trigger for everybody. The stigma attached to forgiveness is that we shouldn’t forgive. But what I have learned is that I don’t have to forget. But in order to move forward, I have to forgive,” Fleury said.
“We grew up in this environment where you’re supposed to be tough. You’re supposed to ‘suck it up.’ Well, we just spent some time at Stony Creek Prison, with 200 prisoners. Why were they in there? Because they sucked it up.”
One of those prisoners illustrated a point that Fleury now stresses, but the “hip-hop dude” had to learn it on his own.
“He was a bad-assed gangsta. He came up to me and said, ‘You were my absolute hero my whole entire life. I just came back from Grande Cache (prison). I was with Graham James in Grande Cache.’”
The inmate decided that he would avenge the wrongs James had inflicted on his childhood hero by beating the daylights out of him. But James was under special protection virtually round-the-clock. Finally, the inmate saw James go into a room alone and unguarded.
“He said, ‘When I walked into the room, Graham James was in the far corner of the room, curled up in a ball. I didn’t do anything to him.’ When he said that, I said, ‘You know what? You’re my hero.’”
As part of the Friday presentation, Fleury and Barthel also took questions from the audience. Pain, loss, addictions, family strains and stresses, but also about friendship and hope. Perhaps the most important answer came from Fleury:
“You don’t have to suffer alone. You don’t have to suffer in silence.”
On Saturday, Fleury and Barthel returned to Athletic Hall, this time for an all-day event for the general public.
